lately i've been having dreams of finding a new bf.. or i am going out w/someone else or someone else loves me more and wants to be with me.. and that bothers me..
we went to hot spring and of coz nothing sweet happens and he reached for my feet and i said i thought u'r going to give me a foot massage and he said he will never give me one.. wow.. how painful that is to just hear that and rite b4 we went to hot spring he online shopping for over $100 clothes for himself.. i still remember him telling me he has no money to buy me anything for my b;day not even a fucking card.. and when he has money he will make it up.. but i don't see it.. he only loves himself and no matter how much i think about him and be considerate he would never think the same way back to me.. and u know i am determine to give up on him.. i don't care if he is upset.. it hurts to do so but either way i'll be the one who get hurts.. i don't care.. i want him to be hurt too.. i guess i'll get used to seeing him get hurt and won't feel hurt becoz this is the way he treated me.. i'll get over the pain of seeing him get hurt..
yesterday i didn't tell him some info.. just like he didn't tell me he went to canada.. i met up with rob for a brief moment just testign the water.. it didn't feel good to do that.. but how come he can do it but i cna't how come he use me and lie to me and never even have one sec feeling bad.. why should i.. i know god this is not the rite way.. but what can i do? i asked to have him removed.. i guess rite now i can really let go.. i feel bad for a moment of lying but they i don't feel bad once i think of how much he has done to me to hurt me.. it may hurt but that's the only way to do it.. i have to love myself more.. i hate to be on such a hategul situation but i can't help it.. ppl hate me or i hate ppl.. what can i do?
today i think he wants to go out but i dont and i'm not going becoz he wants to i go if i want to.. i may even plan on start going to work earlier to avoid him for dinner why should i pay for dinner? no reason.. why should i pay for the hotel $$ when parents came.. no reason.. and all these ar start cumulating to a point i cna't stand which is perfect.. everything has a time i didn't want to do then and now i can't help it but to do the hateful reflective behavior..
today he was showing me an video and he thinks it's so fun and interesting but i didn't laugh at all i was just starring.. really i don't think it is funny.. a lot of times i want to be close share happiness but he doesn't think the same way.. i feel just as hurt.. i'm just not going to fake the close sharing moment.. if i feel it i'd express it.. but the thing is now that i have minimal feelings towards this relationship.. the less i'd be arouse from the close sharing moment.. and i hope he will drift away on his own.. really it's sucking my life.. i hate to say.. but for how much i loved him b4 and i get no reply and now i'm drained by just giving and no return.. he plan nothing special for me.. never try to do something just to make me happy.. instead of making him happy so why do i want to continue to love such a selfish person.. i promise u'll get nothing from me.. ever.. on whatever occasion u'll get nothing from me.. and little by little i'm going to tell him by action how painful it was and how disappointed he made me.. u'll see

so many things happened this week.. first it's parents coming over for my baptism.. and philip's move out.. then it's his move back and larry the bird's death.. then on sat we went to hung hung's hse and i was drunk.. ever get sick from drinking... i have the extreme feeling.. i was graceful that eric was such a gentle man,, telling me it's ok and padding on my back.. i wish i have someone like that to take care of me in my life too.. i feel happy for hung hung.. but then it's kwong.. philip called his friend to pick us up... i remember how he took my arm and take me out the car.. and how he pick me up.. i feel so secure in his arms.. so nice and resting my head on his chest.. i can feel that he is breathing hard of carrying me.. i feel so warm and secure in his arms... i remember chris took care of me and so as mike.. philip did take care of me by asking someones help.. he was holding his camera.. opening the door.. instead of holding me.. am i more important or the camera? maybe he knows he is not able to do so... he was drunk too.. but i enjoyed so much of being take care of.. i wasn;t even once tell myself to get up at hung hungs hse.. not even once in kwong's arms but when i get home i can't get philip to tell me.. i get up from the couch to walk upstairs i tole myself janet get up!! and i did and i get myself upstairs.. i don't think he can take care of me... i don't think he can take the responsibility to take care of me.. he is not as sensitive as eric.. no gentle.. and he is not as powerful as kwong.. how can a girl feel secure from that? i don't know.. i'm feel sad coz all day i've been thinking of kwong.. i shouldn;t but it's just nice to have a man around that over power me and i feel like i can let my guard down and i know he is man enough to take care of me.. of any girl in need.. he will be in my dream my memory.. that is not allowed.. full of appreciation...

there r times i'm not sure how true he is to me.. i have chances to do something to hurt him but i didn't.. i don't know why.. but i lie to him.. i feel more even more equal when i lie to him coz he has been lying soooo much about everything.. i'm suprised that i don't lie to him more often.. beside maybe i have no chance to.. coz no one be the third wheel in this case..
derek was txting me to go happy hour but due to short of notice no one else will go.. just me and him.. it's the best opportunity that we talk and have fun.. and maybe walk further.. but maybe in my mind 2 things happen.. one is it's too good to be true.. coz he often do such a thing and it's not consistant and there is no meaning behind it.. and it's the girl think too much.. the 2nd thing is i don't want to really going on a date with him alone.. too much pressure on me and i don't know how to explain to philip.. so i called dianne.. a girl that i know she must want to come out coz i know she admires derek.. i don't know am too much of an evil coz i manipulate 2 ppl.. one is diane and derek and lie to him.. i was only half lyigng coz i tole him i'm going with diane but i was not but who cares.. he only spend 15mins there and most of the time i was with diane.. we have been talking a lot.. when someone has some sort of feelings it's when it's sincere but derek really lack of that.. he has no choice but pay for the bill i'll call him up and see if he wanna come out sometimes.. so i don't own him anymore.. ricky and elinor probably thinking what the fuck? today i saw them and they were talking about it too.. it's ok.. i don't want them to think derek is chasing me and make them come becoz at the end i'll think too much rather than him.. so i don't care.. i saw elinor and ricky after church after i went home and pick up philip and eat at LA cafe.. i bet they kinda know we r dating and they ask if we want to sit together but i say no they look like they un becoz they don't want to bother us.. but i don't care.. it's philip was saying i hate that at the background when i saw elinor and ricky and when i said hi to them.. so that means he is not gentle enough to sit with my friends and he doesn't know what we r talking about and he has no common interest with them.. so why bother let him in such a perfect circle.. me and him are in two world trying so hard to fit into each other's circle.. but can we make it.. sometimes i realize i like to raise a question then to say an answer but for sure i have an answer.. coz i'm such a woman who is always determined and dictating.. is it a bad thing? i don't think so esp when i'm in such a crazy stormy flow of the world..
i hope me and derek can become more than a friend like diane say he is too good to be true if we can be a couple.. i'm sure not that type for him.. but god may use me to send derek to diane.. they can make a perfect couple.. i'm never good enough for him.. he was saying he earn 100,000 a yr.. if i have money like that life maybe easier.. but same here.. i'm making a good $$ but it never is enough when there is such a thing called parents.. me and him can never be couple.. diane was telling herself not to think too much and in the back of my head i tole myself the same.. she thinks i'm ok and logical and ok to manage and response to derek.. but at the same time i also want to tell myself the things i told diane which is "this does NOT mean anything!!!" and just friend hang out.. or not even friend but just that he wants to kill time and call me and i was willing to come and i ask dianne to come too.. what will derek think? i'm not interested? or he doesn't care? what a question i'm asking coz by asking this i'm already thinking way too much..
me and him's relationship is fragile.. coz we both lying and we both don't trust and we r walking on a fine fine line and a little bit of suspicious can set us off.. at least set me off and when i'm off.. i can do a lot of things to drive someone crazy!! me and him often get into crazy deep shit just like tonite.. why $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ is always the topic.. coz he has no money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and he is using me as a fall back plan but where is mine.. there is none.. and this is the problem.. it will be good to date derek just for that reason.. but he is too good for me..
its sad coz we went to the halloween freaknite party and the whole nite i was thinking about mike how he dance and how we were.. i wish i have the mind of now and be with him.. things will be better.. maybe i just wish.. i really do miss him.. too bad he is married and not in my life anymore..

im not happy again how come happiness r so short! i again fiund him lying to me once more. i dont know i hope i think too much but i know im not coz he asked me to call his dads nursing home to ask how he is doing there in chinese. i asked and the nse told me he hasnt call for two weeks and his father is mad and say his son is dead. he lie ti me everyday he goes outside to talk to his father but end up finding out he never call for a long while so tell me what he has been doing outside? calling the woman called fucking angela? i dont know i cant help but think . i wonder why he doesnt talk to me we have no conversation but he is able to talk a lot over an hour everyday to someone i dont know who it makes me so mad again and agai he lie to me and i dont know if i shiuld believe him or not i need to check how much he owns me but it should be almost paid off and i will never help him again and he always kiss me only when i pay for something or onky when i help him i hate him again. i knw i shouldnt always think negative abiut him but the truth reveals

its me this time it's not me being upset.. recently many things happened.. he took sometime and talked to me and i feel like i start to understand him more.. he is a very sensitive man.. he told me he know appreciate and my 500 changes his life changes everyone's life in great sun how can he not appreciate.. it's not what i can do to make things better it's the things i've already done.. and lately he told me he has to give 700 to HK for his dad and he has a 7000 debt.. that's why he doesn't wanna buy a hse or car.. there r more and more things coming out.. i don't know how to analysis this.. he is always upset and all that.. i understand but it's also so hard to deal with.. the other day he saw someone's car broke down on the road he helped them pushing car.. he was working harder than the owner of the car.. i was praying god.. to take care of him coz he has a good heart.. i wonder when will be god's time.. and somehow i was afraid that i cna't wait to that time.. he has been smoking and drinking a lot.. i worry about him.. if ada choi can pray for her husband to quit smoking.. i think i want to pray for philip too i hope he will be united with god.. i know he a good man.. but do i know him? i hope i do..

i saw joseph at church today.. we didn't talk but still he is always someone i want to see.. i wish me and him was able to start.. but i guess he is not the one.. i think i can never be good enough for him.. it's good to see him.. to see him happy.. the one he choose must be a very good girl.. i wish him the best.. i talked to rick today.. i don't want ppl think i'm not coming to church anymore.. just that i don't wanna social too much.. at least not now..

i don't know.. i hope philip will be happy.. i hope my effort won't be vain.. but i have no control.. jesus loves me too.. but do i response? unconditional love can only come from god!!

its been a while how r we doing? i dont knw we r talking and all that but does it mean we r cool? i dont knw . all i knw it everytime i look at the tv and the wall i cant help but think of how violent he was amd how crazy is that he get so mad for no reason becoz he is tje one who lie why be so mad even before he knew i look thru his stuff? he is the person who do wrong and get mad for no reason thats crazy. and everytime i think of this i hate h and i hate my srlf how come i dont get rod of him? why am i so stupid but everytime i wanna talk he get mad again really for my safety i dont want to talk and i so want us to work out but at the same time i think i deserve better than this. his focus is never me before it was his pc then ps3 then camera then iphone now is his car. i xant stand him and the way he treated me but i dont knw how to get rid pf him somete i wisj he would just go awau. i knw ill be sad and all that at the beginning but i knw for sure later ill be ok. somehow he nver leave. i knw i said i dont wanna see him go but he should. i wish god will just make him go away just like mike and ill deal w the rest later but god didnt . is that he try to make me do the work? he want me to b strong? but i cant lord pls do it for me if thats ue will . i can always forgive b4 but this time i cant i always think he lie to me and cheated on me and worst of all he added this liar and aggressive impression to my brain that i can never ever forgive or forget and everything every damage in the hse remind me of that i cant help but think he will never be the one and i keep thinking i need to find someone else of find some excuse to get rid of him . what if i die maybe then i van finally separate from him . from his evil behavior and lies . i really dont knw what to do . i care and as usual i want to repair but i dont think i can the scar is tooo big. lord take him away from me i dont want to deal w him . poor me let me die alone. i deserve it let the fucking stupid me fucking die alone! take him away lord im ur child if u can savee from him pls pls pls

even since i bring it up again on Sun.. he is mad and we r not cool.. we may act fine but we r not cool.. i don't talk to him and he is avoiding me.. and i don't bother.. i try not to be bothered.. but it's hard.. i hate to see him giving me that fucking look like he doesn't care.. wait he doesn't even look at me what i'm talking about?
we both know he lie and we both know i found out.. i'm not stupid.. and he is not either.. until last minute he still denies.. really do i have hope in him.. i don't but why he is still here? i don't know.. and that bothers me very much..
i'm heading to ATL soon for the weekend.. i hope not spending time w/ him will make me feel better.. it's really late and i haven't even pack a thing for ATL trip yet.. i don't know what to do and what to think.. i'm not feeling happy and i feel like asking him to stay caused all that.. do i love him still or i just used to have someone around? what am i get myself into.. he is such a liar.. like a leach sucking my blood daily!!


The journeys that we take in life,
Though unexpected they may be,
If we commit to follow Christ,
His work through us the world will see. —Sper

For the Christian, what looks like a detour may actually be a new road to blessing.

really? if so lord help me see it.. help me see ur work.. coz all i see is the result of my stupidity

i don't know.. he changed his tone.. and he siad he hates to leave.. i don't know.. again i accepted him or so to say he accepted me.. he said he goes there to buy a ring for angela for his bf.. i don't know.. maybe he is buying her a ring.. how much is he lieing i don't know.. by now do i suppose to know how he is? i don't know.. i don't wanna assume he us bad and come bk and bite me but at the same time i don't want to assume he is good and turn out all these r not real.. i really don't know what to do.. maybe we shouldn't be close.. i don't know it bothers me a lot..what should i do? i don't know i'm living in such a big lie rite now.. to my parents and now my friends know that he is not good either.. just as mike.. and then it will be me that get hurt and finally i'll give up when i'm 35.. i don't know what to do.. life can be complicated..

I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time I've kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
When my heart is broken

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I can't be without, you're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I'm sorry.


Please, please don't leave me

Baby please don't leave me
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me no no no
You say I don't need you but it's always gonna come right back,
It's gonna come right back to this.
Please, don't leave me.
No.
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me, oh no no no.
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me

i just came out from a shower and he was smoking in the living room and i said oh u somle in here a gain and i opened the window and fling my clothes.. he said there is no meaning to over exaggarating.. point taken.. what the fuck.. why he has to be so mean..
he said earlier i won't lie again.. but do i believe in him.. coz he was pretty sure keep telling me he didn't go no where b4 i show him the paper work.. and he was like showing me whatever paper saying it's the finale and i'll regret and all that.. i was laughing in the back of my head.. i know what is going on and i cna't take it.. i don't want him to think he can do all these and still be able to take advantage of me saying i'm wrong and accusing him for no reason.. i showed him the damn proof.. he knew he fucked up really bad i trap him.. it's low of me.. but the wrong deeds were done he lie to me to start with again and again.. and that really hurt me.. i don't know will i give him another chance or not.. i don't know who he just talk to but it was a girl.. he was on the phone and the woman was yelling and ask why not he picked up the phone.. oh well.. i really don't believe his story.. i don't he is buying things for her.. a ring? first was an ipod and now is a ring.. u fucking liar.. what should i do? he is going to pissed off and yelling and throwing things.. my poor apt.. i just want to move out all at once one day.. and so be it.. i want to be able to pick up my stuff and move away.. next jun.. i cna't go no where until next yr.. what can i do? i set myself in such a hell position.. stupid me shouldn't say anything like i don't want u to leave yesterday.. i don't but i should let him go.. he is like a leach sucking all my life

we r over.. i found out that he went to canada on his way bk from HK for at least a week.. he keep on refusing and make me felt like i'm wrongly accused him.. and i can't stand it no more.. i told him i search thur his stuff and find some documenatation.. he didn't know what.. and i gave it to him he was like fuck!! yes.. he knew he fuck up then he just start packing and say i was wrong to look thru his stuff instead of wrongly accused him.. either way he destroyed the tv my coffee table wall outlet and blinds.. makes me feel like now he is not living here he can destroy things.. or yeah he is mad becoa i funcking find out he was cheating on me.. the doc says he is from london toronto.. which is the contact person is angela.. it's a bus shuttle receipt.. he is goign from her hse to detroit airport.. he said i planned to trick him but he also planned to lie to me.. he said he need friends to help him on money issue.. and other ppl wouldn't say anthing and help him.. so he rather have they help him.. and he is helping some guy to buy a ring and deliever to her.. what? or he is trying to buy a ring and give to her?
it was a good day to him coz he told me he get a raise and kevin is going to give his salary by check.. i didn't hear all that.. but i confronted him and ruin both of our nite.. am i regreted? no.. i cna't be.. he said he can't live with someone who he cna't trust and so as i.. so no matter how painful we both know that it's not possible.. so we apart..
he packed half of his stuff and he has to give ah to his camera back.. so he is meeting up with him.. and he will be back to finish packing.. it's already close to 11pm. i don't know.. i'm going to bed.. no matter he comes bk or not.. it's his choice.. but he already move everythign valuable to his car.. and this time i know for sure he won't stay with me.. i don't think i can be friends with him

ai.. i was feeling better becoz he contacted me thru the internet.. he is in china rite now and he need to take care some business.. however the bad thing is i asked him when will he be bk to HK he never answered.. and i saw him online on facebook but not sending me email.. so i cannot reach him.. i don't know what is going on and i know things are not rite.. he has so many skeletal on his closet.. and i really tired of looking.. i rather just let it be.. and today i prayed that god to take him away if he is not the one.. and i promise god i won't say a word to try keeping him or argue w/ him.. he want to leave let it be.. that will be at least the 3rd time he does such thing.. so whatever.. leave.. stay away from my life..
many thoughts go thru my head.. and pastor shiu give a very good message about how we r going to be close to god shouldn't be a method.. and no need to try to quiet and all that it's not the method.. it's like asking ur mom "how can i grow up" ur mom will tell u eat sleep and ex.. but is it all? no.. even if u do all this u'r still not growing up.. u can die for whatever reason.. what if u don't do that.. still u don't grow up good either.. so what should we do? no method.. there is a gorwing factor inside.. and it will grow it's own way at it's own time.. i think it's a very important theory that no matter what we do.. there is no meaning of forcing.. it comes nature.. and let it be.. u still can do things u enjoying doing to help it grow but not necessarily required.. god is the god and he has the time for everything..
therefore i'm not going to worry about it.. becoz i cna't make it better or worst

anson is making me mad.. slowly.. she came and visit jumbo.. and lea was here.. and lea wanna go out that nite.. but anson doesn't.. and she rather dessert.. ok then dessert.. end up she is not going.. i'd rather bowling if i know she will end up not going.. then today she rather watch movie.. so ok jen i lea watch movie.. tyson says gi joe.. ok.. she said it's not good.. she rather watch a girly movie.. and after all these plan arrangement and going to church at the same time worth nothing.. she is not going and becoz of her eating slow i was late.. arrrrr... this is crazy!!

this weekend i spent a lot of time w/ lea.. she actually is not a bad girl to hang out w/.. i was thinking of partner w/ candace to do something.. but now i may think lea has the power instead.. she is a fighter and she won't give up like the others think she would.. she is strong and i learn a lot from her.. when chris say don't touch her stuff she actually not mad at her.. and say this is the rule i follow i was just try to help.. humm.. i don't like chris.. so i was shock that she is able to abid that.. she really is able to adapt.. and when something she said is not happening.. she would say maybe i was wrong.. and she is open to correction.. i admire her.. i would like to look at her as an example to learn.. as a christian.. i'm not humble enough.. i need to learn!

things will come and go.. when i hit 36 like amy.. love things will not be as important.. just let it be.. if i meant to be a virgin.. oh well sad but ok.. better than married but still virgin.. kinda sux!

no matter where ur life is.. there is always something that makes u not happy somethign that is missing and not perfect.. which make us yearn for heaven more where things are perfect and full w/ god's love.. but it's ok.. if we don't see how bad this world life is how can we compare and appreciate the good of heaven in eternal?

god u r my strength in you my soul is at rest..